Life with CRPS: Something to look forwards to!

I just had a bit of a profound thought and figured it would be worth sharing.

Life with CRPS can feel pointless at times and I remember in the early days feeling so scared and thinking my life was over, pointless and I only saw a future of pain. Everything I enjoyed doing was taken from me and I felt I had nothing left. I’m sure that’s a feeling that anyone with CRPS can identify with.

So I was just thinking about how I have developed a love of indoor plants as a new hobby and when I am laying in bed during the night I often look online and plan the plants I want to buy. Each fortnight when I get paid I get excited if I can afford to buy a plant or I find a great buy from a private seller and get a propagated cutting for $10. I live very cheaply and my one extravagance is a plant. I was worried I was a little obsessive and I do get some negative comments. But I realised why it’s become so important to me…

I need something to look forwards to!

It’s simple really. Most people have a sport, concerts or just going out on the weekends. but I don’t. I am not working and am struggling to find work, let alone an interview. I am single and have a chronic illness (attractive) and that may never change. And I am 36 and any chance of my having kids is getting less and less. So my future could be lonely if I don’t do something. But having my plants makes me happy and in a life that once seemed pointless, that’s really important.

My Heart Leaved Philodendrons ❤️

It’s no different to someone needing their weekly game of soccer to unwind from their shitty job. My “job” is shitty to. So I deserve to have something to look forwards to.

So… I am not going to feel guilty or embarrassed that I am buying more plants. I won’t be sneaking any more plants past my housemates and hiding them incase they think bad of me. They don’t, but it’s ingrained in me anyway. I won’t accept hearing “not more plants” again or someone rolling their eyes because I’m off to pick up a plant. At least I am going out and having an interaction with someone. Yeah, I will be sore and exhausted after. But it’s better than staying home sore and exhausted anyway.

My Philodendron Micans. Love those velvet leaves.

This could be any hobby, not just plants. It could be clothes, model trains, Star Wars memorabilia. It doesn’t matter. The main thing is that we have something to look forwards to.

I am now meeting other growers, I’m leaving the house to go to the plant shop, I am even planning a plant swap event, which I never would have done before. Putting on events is a connection to my old life. It’s better than sitting at home depressed.

My Manjula Pothos.

Also I could be doing drugs or gambling the little money I have. After all, not all that long ago my life had no point. It would have been easy to give up. So as long as my bills are paid and I have food on the table, who gives a crap if I come home with another plant. It makes me happy and I deserve to be happy.

So anyone that criticizes my plant Colection can shove it. Sure I might only talk about my plants, but maybe they should appreciate that their life hasn’t been reduced to only having that to be excited about. Why belittle the one thing I have?

Of course it’s not my only hobby now, but it’s the most prominent at the moment.

I’m so glad I am not that same scared person I was a few years ago. I’m glad I now have things to look forward to. It’s so important and not talked about enough in our community.

You can see my plants on my other blog or Instagram

I hope you’re feeling well. Xx

What are your things to look forwards to?

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HOW DOES IT FEEL? The Spoon Theory

Really now that I have written the title to this post, I cant help but sing Blue Monday by New Order. “Tell me how does it feel…to treat me like you do”  Maybe I should add the song to my CRPS Soundtrack posts.

I’m wanting to share an article posted on a great site called But You Don’t Look Sick.com  But first I want to share why it meant so much to me. 

We all have that person in our life that just dosn’t quite get it. I have a friend that understands that I’m sick, but at the same time not really. I suck it up while we are spending time together and try not to mention my pain. I try to keep up and she cant understand that at some point in the day I’m not going to be able to do any more. She dosn’t get why I’ve gone quiet, withdrawn, I just don’t want to sing along to the songs that are playing. I just want to rest. I’m done but its still early. Then because I don’t say anything about how Im feeling I suddenly hear the comment “you should go back to work, you have been fine this weekend”  or “Why are you in pain still, you had your infusion the other week?’ My heart sinks, I’m too tired to cry. How come they dont understand?

How can they. End of the day I said nothing. Sure I might have looked down and beaten, But I was the one who hid the truth. But surely they can tell. Other friends can. Three days away with my second family and they saw my presence change when my pain went away. They got it! Mum can tell cause I frown and I get a little skin crease between my eyebrows. But not everyone will understand. It just hurts when you thought they would. I spoke to my psychologist today about it and to be honest I cant remember what she said to me. I was so upset just telling her about this problem. I felt like I was betraying my friend or dobbing her in. I know she isn’t trying to hurt me. She just cant understand because she has never been through this and I hope she never does.

Then as if the universe answered me, a friend posted an article on a facebook page that helped me understand the other side and how I could help her understand.

THE SPOON THEORY!

The Spoon Theory written by Christine Miserandino.

The link above is the article that helped me work through my problems and I hope it can do the same for you if its something you need. It works on the theory that a healthy person has unlimited energy and that energy is measured in spoons. People with chronic illness only have a limited number of spoons and each activity they do costs a spoon. If the sick person runs out of spoons they can borrow from the next days total and leave them self short for tomorrow, running on a more limited number of spoons. Or they can crash in pain unable to continue the day, unable to do the smallest tasks like doing the dishes, talking on the phone. They are just all out of spoons.

This article really is worth the read if you still have any spoons left. Im on my last one typing this.

Hope your all well. xx