I just had a bit of a profound thought and figured it would be worth sharing.
Life with CRPS can feel pointless at times and I remember in the early days feeling so scared and thinking my life was over, pointless and I only saw a future of pain. Everything I enjoyed doing was taken from me and I felt I had nothing left. I’m sure that’s a feeling that anyone with CRPS can identify with.
So I was just thinking about how I have developed a love of indoor plants as a new hobby and when I am laying in bed during the night I often look online and plan the plants I want to buy. Each fortnight when I get paid I get excited if I can afford to buy a plant or I find a great buy from a private seller and get a propagated cutting for $10. I live very cheaply and my one extravagance is a plant. I was worried I was a little obsessive and I do get some negative comments. But I realised why it’s become so important to me…
I need something to look forwards to!
It’s simple really. Most people have a sport, concerts or just going out on the weekends. but I don’t. I am not working and am struggling to find work, let alone an interview. I am single and have a chronic illness (attractive) and that may never change. And I am 36 and any chance of my having kids is getting less and less. So my future could be lonely if I don’t do something. But having my plants makes me happy and in a life that once seemed pointless, that’s really important.
It’s no different to someone needing their weekly game of soccer to unwind from their shitty job. My “job” is shitty to. So I deserve to have something to look forwards to.
So… I am not going to feel guilty or embarrassed that I am buying more plants. I won’t be sneaking any more plants past my housemates and hiding them incase they think bad of me. They don’t, but it’s ingrained in me anyway. I won’t accept hearing “not more plants” again or someone rolling their eyes because I’m off to pick up a plant. At least I am going out and having an interaction with someone. Yeah, I will be sore and exhausted after. But it’s better than staying home sore and exhausted anyway.
This could be any hobby, not just plants. It could be clothes, model trains, Star Wars memorabilia. It doesn’t matter. The main thing is that we have something to look forwards to.
I am now meeting other growers, I’m leaving the house to go to the plant shop, I am even planning a plant swap event, which I never would have done before. Putting on events is a connection to my old life. It’s better than sitting at home depressed.
Also I could be doing drugs or gambling the little money I have. After all, not all that long ago my life had no point. It would have been easy to give up. So as long as my bills are paid and I have food on the table, who gives a crap if I come home with another plant. It makes me happy and I deserve to be happy.
So anyone that criticizes my plant Colection can shove it. Sure I might only talk about my plants, but maybe they should appreciate that their life hasn’t been reduced to only having that to be excited about. Why belittle the one thing I have?
Of course it’s not my only hobby now, but it’s the most prominent at the moment.
I’m so glad I am not that same scared person I was a few years ago. I’m glad I now have things to look forward to. It’s so important and not talked about enough in our community.
I hope you’re feeling well. Xx
What are your things to look forwards to?